Tuesday, June 16, 2009


So I have a job. I’m a bouncer at the biggest/coolest nightclub in Williamsport... well actually it’s the only nightclub in Williamsport I think, aside from a few other lames - like the fag club or this other one that I’ve never been to. And notice how I said “coolest” that’s solely because I work there now. Which means as soon as I get fired it becomes a piece of shit. Just the way the world works.

Anyway, it’s a fun job, I like it. The pay is shit but its still easy money... and very entertaining. Especially when I work the dance floor. I see all kinds of shit that amuses me like for instance guys getting shutdown on the regular by chicks that should consider themselves lucky a guy is even talking to them. Or watching a bunch of white boys that think they can break dance - which just makes me feel weird and embarrassed by the way. Or all the guys that wanna dance in the cage and then argue with me that its not fair that the girls get to... Dude, 1. Its not allowed, period. And 2. Its fuckin’ gay as shit!

And let me tell you we have some characters there . . . I wish I had pictures of these people to post on here to show you because my words can’t describe how fuckin’ funny/weird they are!

Yo, we have this old man that goes there - they call him Shuffles or dancing Santa - he’s like 70ish right and he STANKS of body odor. I mean no exaggeration this guy must be responsible for at least 10% of the damage being done to the ozone layer. I don’t even know why we let him in... he doesn’t spend any money at the bar. The weird thing is he just dances the whole fuckin’ time. Same moves. Non-stop. Doesn’t say a word to anyone, its just him and the music. On occasion he’ll slowly drift over to a girl or two to see if they’d be interested but the only play he gets is the girls that try to be funny and dance with him - only to realize they made a monumental mistake and now this guy’s onion smelling stench is over-powering any memory of anything they have ever smelt in their lives. They think hotdogs... they smell Shuffles’ body odor. Roses... Shuffles’ BO. Pancakes.... Shuffles. Shit has a more pleasant aroma I lie to you not.

Another character we have visit on the regular is this retarded girl named Faime (I changed the name up to protect her identity - I hope its not so obvious that her real name is Jaime). She’s not like a full-blown retard, more like a 5 or 6 on the retard 10 scale... just so you have an idea. Like I don’t think she’s normal enough to drive or make any big decisions on her own but normal enough to get shitty and dance like she’s in a Britney Spears music video at the coolest nightclub in Williamsport, PA. She’s really a sweetheart though, and I’m not only saying that to make the female readers out there think I’m a sweet and sensitive guy and in turn offer up the poon, I’m saying that because its true. In fact, the first day I met her I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. She came in for a hug after a brief handshake and name exchange - to which I pulled back like ‘whoa bitch don’t be coming up on a brutha like that... I’ll cut you.’ - to which she replied with a “sorry, I hug everyone here... just ask around. Its like my thing.” - to which I thought “as long as it’s not giving out free blow jobs...”. - to which she just stared at me waiting for a response. - to which I continued my thought “... well I mean I never had my fang sucked on by a retard before...” - to which she continued to wait for a response... staring intensely into my big brown beautiful eyes - to which I finally said “ok sweet”. - to which she said “ok have a goodnight” as she walked away - to which I mumbled “just don’t drool on my shirt, bitch”. . . . But yeah, I warmed up to her fast. Especially after I seen she bought a woman - a complete stranger - a drink and a shot because the lady just got married (don’t ask me what the bitch was doing at a nightclub after getting married - she had on a fuckin’ wedding dress). So now Faime runs up to me all the time and tells me random ass shit like how she’s gonna dance battle some other chicas or some shit, or she’ll throw those glow stick things at me and run away as I pretend to chase after her, and she even wanted my picture taken with her so I did. Hey what can I say, I have a soft spot for the we-todd’s. . . . well, as long as they’re not acting like assholes.

A couple other people we have in there all the time is this big black woman that wears tight spandex pants and drinks nothing but pitchers of rum and coke all night. I know what you’re thinking... easy target right? Wrong. I don’t max over 220... this chick is pushing 300. I joked with some fellow employees one time about getting her digits... I think she over-heard me because now she tries eye-fucking me all the time. I’m the new guy so I’m fresh meat to her, naw sayin’? Mainly though she just minds her own business and tries to mimic all the dances she sees in the music videos playing on the big screen by the dance floor. Another guy we have that is always in there too is this straight dorky looking MFer. I’m talking black dress shorts, dress socks that go to the middle of his shins, dress shoes, he has the glasses to fit that typical nerd status... the only shit he leaves at home is his fuckin’ pocket protector w/ pens. He dances by himself like nobody’s business too. You would think this guy is shy, and maybe it’s the alchy getting him out there, but this guy goes right in the middle of the dance floor and busts out his moves. Then we got this HUGE guy that comes in on Thursdays, like 400 to 500 pounds (possibly more), maybe semi retarded (like a 2 or 3) from the fat surrounding his brain but he’s cool as shit. Like he says “what up dawg” and shit like that... I didn’t even know they made fat people that could talk that cool.

I could go on all day with the other weirdos we have come in there on a regular basis but then this blog entry would be even longer than it already is... Maybe I’ll share some of the other people in another post at another time.

At any rate (I don’t even know what that means), until next time boys and girls. . . Hasta la vista!


  1. LOL! omggg, u are so funny. You seem like one of them bouncers that I'd be cool as hell with. I'm weak cuz every single character you mentioned, i could think of a chick/dude or two that resembles the same characteristics.. i think its a universal thing to have ur typical wierdos/wee-tods (lmao)/psychos at ur everyday club..

    Next post, u gotta put some pictures to match their descriptions! Lmaoo, good stuff though. Although it was very long, i read the whole thing (which is highly untypical of me) and laughed throughout it all =]

  2. "At any rate" is an British saying which originally referred to local property tax assessments, and somehow or other turned into a saying that is supposed to shift a subject of a conversation to something that is on-par with the original subject.

    (yeah, my sister-in-law is a Scottish intellectual, straight from Edinburgh, who's mother is American, so she has dual-citizenship....quite an interesting person, to say the least.....lol)